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Sunday, October 3, 2010

How to enrage a Technical Communications Instructor...

So, I know this isn't exactly directly related to art, and it does contain references and jokes some of you may not get, but I'm posting it anyways, because I find it hilarious.

John Simon
123 SlapHappy Rd
Spurks, NV, 89542

September, 16th 2010

Bertha Patterson
4323 Derpville Ct.
Runo, NV, 89434

Dear Mrs. Patterson

I apologize for the inconvenience that you have experienced in using our Internal Comboosion Machine. Based upon the details you have given me our technical department has come to the conclusion that, though there was no error in our manufacturing process there is a slight possibility that the damage has resulted from the actual transition from our warehouse to your home, but I've been informed that it is more likely that the instructions were not fully followed when assembling this device. As previously stated in your letter you made the assumption that you can pick-up and leave this project for another time, but seeing as it contains time-sensitive release capsule liquid-pouches, this is not an option. As follows are a series of errors that should not have been made:

- Do not leave the device alone for a prolonged period of time, even when you have finished compiling it.
    • Do not initiate the transform sequence before you have finished reading the instruction manual
    • Do not attempt to microwave the device, no matter how angry at it you are

In order to attain the MTIP (or Maximum Trolling Initiation-Process) without bursting the L-pouches, you must first make the connection from the zycironic interfaced male pole-shaft to the respective female port located at the bottom of the scooter-seat. Once this is accomplished, you have only a limited amount of time (roughly 3.4 seconds) to unlock the pressurized screw-cap that should have already been fastened your pre-owned fundament posterior. To acquire the desired B.R.E.E.M. Effect, these steps must be followed exactly as portrayed in the 174 page guide included in the shipment, and for the best results you must lubricate the fundament posterior cavity with our specialty Ejectamenta A+ formula to allow for a smooth transition from interlocked standing position to the riding capacity you initially desired.

I hope this response has aided in the reconstruction of your device, and if the device is beyond repair you can always return the product to us under the warranty that you had purchased in the 412 Apollyon-Claret agreement. I eagerly await your future business, and wish you the best of luck in your Internal Comboosion Machine endeavors.


John Simon