How to enrage a Technical Communications Instructor...

So, I know this isn't exactly directly related to art, and it does contain references and jokes some of you may not get, but I'm posting it anyways, because I find it hilarious.

John Simon
123 SlapHappy Rd
Spurks, NV, 89542
(775)-732-7232
coagulateddickblood@gmail.com

September, 16^th 2010

Bertha Patterson
4323 Derpville Ct.
Runo, NV, 89434

Dear Mrs. Patterson

I apologize for the inconvenience that you have experienced in using our Internal Comboosion Machine. Based upon the details you have given me our technical department has come to the conclusion that, though there was no error in our manufacturing process there is a slight possibility that the damage has resulted from the actual transition from our warehouse to your home, but I've been informed that it is more likely that the instructions were not fully followed when assembling this device. As previously stated in your letter you made the assumption that you can pick-up and leave this project for another time, but seeing as it contains time-sensitive release capsule liquid-pouches, this is not an option. As follows are a series of errors that should not have been made:

- Do not leave the device alone for a prolonged period of time, even when you have finished compiling it.

• Do not initiate the transform sequence before you have finished reading the instruction manual
• Do not attempt to microwave the device, no matter how angry at it you are

In order to attain the MTIP (or Maximum Trolling Initiation-Process) without bursting the L-pouches, you must first make the connection from the zycironic interfaced male pole-shaft to the respective female port located at the bottom of the scooter-seat. Once this is accomplished, you have only a limited amount of time (roughly 3.4 seconds) to unlock the pressurized screw-cap that should have already been fastened your pre-owned fundament posterior. To acquire the desired B.R.E.E.M. Effect, these steps must be followed exactly as portrayed in the 174 page guide included in the shipment, and for the best results you must lubricate the fundament posterior cavity with our specialty Ejectamenta A+ formula to allow for a smooth transition from interlocked standing position to the riding capacity you initially desired.

I hope this response has aided in the reconstruction of your device, and if the device is beyond repair you can always return the product to us under the warranty that you had purchased in the 412 Apollyon-Claret agreement. I eagerly await your future business, and wish you the best of luck in your Internal Comboosion Machine endeavors.

Sincerely,

John Simon

Chester Arnold's Artwork

Simon 1

Chester Arnold Art Critique

John Simon

Art 160

09 September 2010

“The Digger”

As depicted at the Nevada Museum of Art I saw that any of Chester Arnold's artworks show littered landscapes and garbage-dump landfill grounds with bits and pieces of trash, treasure, paper, plastic, and a recurring right boot, but the one painting that really got to me was The Digger, which has little of this.

The Digger is a bleak depiction of a man who has apparently spent a great deal of effort and time clearing a small patch of trees only to be left with a clearing filled with tombstone-esqe tree-stumps. Granted, Arnold's playful trash is present, just not as eminent, as it is isolated to three or four pieces; a wrench here, a tire there, even an empty can of coke as I recall.

Finally, it shows the man sitting remorsefully over a grave-like hole that he has obviously dug for himself. This shows his feelings on what he has just done, and that he feels like he has killed the natural beauty surrounding him. Though he may argue that, “it was for the best” or that “it was the economical thing to do” he cannot escape the impending feeling of doom for he has been left with nothingness. It has been said that when you stare into the nothingness, the nothingness stares right back at you, forcing you to question yourself.

I felt strong pangs of cynicism creeping over me as I walked through the gallery devoted to Arnold, though he often made an effort to include playful or at least satirical notions, The Digger had none of these. The Digger displays exactly what I see for the human race. We will inevitable destroy all things beauty, all things human, and all things life on our earth, and there is nothing we can do about it. The sooner we accept our fate (be that through digging our own graves, or living out our lives deliberately), the sooner we can come to enjoy what it is we still have left. We must appreciate the here and now, we must appreciate what he all have right now. The laws of life and nature dictate that nothing is permanent, so we mustn't treat anything as such. We must awake in the morning and take advantage of the day, rather than wishing for something to come along that likely never will. This is what I thought Chester Arnold was attempting to convey.